Kingmaker - Frugalia

Owly-Owly-Oxen-free

The Tale of Splug and the Glowing Mushroom

Fresh off their conquest of a little glowing island in the nearby lake, where Tug McTiggertag was being held and tortured, the party returns to their gleaming capitol city of Frugalia only to find their pristine sanctuary has been spoiled. The wall has a whole larger than the one left in the the party’s heart by Xilgarth’s departure. Some of Frugalia’s most vaunted institutions have taken damage, including Svetlana’s Mercy and that one house we built as a prerequisite for a marketplace. Thankfully, the damage is not beyond the considerable skill of our wheat-fed craftsmen. Frugalia will recover.

After questioning Gob, who still contends he was not blue-ing himself when we walked in on him last time, reveals that Frugalia was assaulted by an enormous Owlbear. “Most odd was the fact that the Owlbear was wearing mail. Most odd indeed. I managed to color spray the beast to no effect. Though I did make his armor more pleasant to look at. Quite in right now, colorful armor is”, he said, further convincing the party that Valthrun should never be invited to the ruling council. “By the way, someone lost a hand as well. Now he’ll wish he could blue himself too.” “Can’t tell the difference between Akiros and Kestin even when I’m sober”, thoguh Jurg, “Not about to try right now. Either way, if he can’t defend the fucking city, he deserves to lose a hand. Maybe we should chop off his other hand to keep him balanced. Papi always said symmetry was important.”

The group made sure that Ricky 2 was still parading the Manticore tail around town to keep spirits high, then left in pursuit. After rolling far in excess of the check needed to track a huge Owlbear, the party followed the trail to a cave located to the South East of the town. Or at least what would be South East if the authors of Kingmaker had any common sense when creating their maps.

The party entered the cave and was promptly engulfed by a wave of Owlbear shit-stank. Descending into a large cavern, the party found a sea of mushrooms waiting for them. the party quickly devised a cunning plan whereby they would use Sorgen as bait while the other’s hid amongst the fungi. The party quickly grew tired of this plan and left Sorgen out in the open as they started chopping down mushrooms and exploring side-chambers. Jurg “encouraged” Splug to eat one, noting how much cooler Splug would be if he did it. As soon as Splug cut into a large glowing blue mushroom (which probably would have tasted great) the mushroom let out a shriek. Most odd indeed. Assuming this obvious alarm system would have no impact on their immediate situation, the party continued dicking around undaunted.

Sergei peeked down the hallway on the left and found a bunch of spiders. Tristanis peeked down the hallway on the right and found a Shambling Mound. “In the name of [our dead dog], I shall not rest until this foul beast is smote. have at thee!” shouted Tristanis and he proceeded to hack away at the mound. As the rest of the party was rushing over to join the fight against the evil shrub, they heard a rumbling from the hallway. Realizing too late that the shrieking mushroom could have alerted other beasts, the party turned to face the new foe. The mound, realizing that it was basically just a large bush and was out matched in any case, shambled away in fear. On the other side of the room, a couple mushroom men pulled root and ran for the spider den…

(Battle sounds)

After the battle with the Owlbear, the party around lay panting. “That was all just kind of a blur” said Jurg “All I remember is critting for 61 damage.” “A mighty blow indeed” said Tristanis, “I remember Sorgen over there using his get-out-of-jail free card when the beast tried to grapple him. Alas, I was not so lucky as to possess that magic card.” “I hit thing”, said Sergei. “Truer words never spoken.” Replied Tristanis, " Now, I’ve got a branch to pick with that Mound." The rest of the group moaned in protest, though whether it was over the terrible pun or that fact that they had almost just died, no one will ever know.

The party lustily chopped the head and hands from the fallen beasty so that Ricky 3 could have some visual aids when spreading the good word. They turned to hunt the Mound, who fell quickly. “Masters kill tree. Masters no make Splug eat mushroom now?”, eulogized Splug. “How cool or uncool you are is not my foremost concern” said Sorgen “Master Jurg may think otherwise. Free yourself from the bonds of peer pressure and do as you feel is right”. “Fuck that, you’re gonna eat it and your gonna like it” said Jurg. “Mushroom eating will have to wait”, said Sergei “We have hole in ground to crawl through”

And so Splug once again escaped his fungal fate as the party, led by the fearless and handsome Jurg, crawled down a tunnel in the side of the cavern, where Jurg promptly fell into a pit of corrosive slime and lost literally all his gear. Fucking great, thanks Joe. The end.

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CaptainBeikoku jaredkramer

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